Slack--

This has gone on long enough, it is time…. Update! Movies, booze, romance! The works. And nary an untruth in there too, what is the world coming to? Are the auspices of the prince of lies growing dim? Hmmm, let us consult the augurs. Throw your chicken bones and gaze deeply into the nasty sludge left from your Turkish coffee. Mysterious times are afoot, and we are here to reveal their ghastly presence.

A segue; how devious. Why thank you. Too kind. First up, pairing for the finest date movie of…. last Friday, we have Underworld: Evolution. (You know, the sequel…) Vampires and werewolves and boobies, OH MY! Those of you who missed the fantastic goofiness of the first (for shame!) should go see it pronto, because this movie takes place literally right after the end of the first movie. Mr. Smarmy greaseball vampire with the bad accent gets his ass kicked right after the Elder Vampire wakes up. The werewolf blood having given him batwings that can be used as pokey sticks to great effect. Think praying mantis arms, with wings… sometimes. So he’s a hybrid, because as we all know, being a creepy purple/black dude with fangs makes you a badass. And he flies around reading minds through blood drinking, and other sundry and various feats of badassery in order to go free his brother, who is the eldest werewolf. BIG WHITE WOLF guy, who um, is cranky and froths. Though I suppose being stuffed in a box for a few centuries would certainly make one cranky. So he makes some noise, and creates armies of other cranky growly people. That seems to be about the extent of his schtick.

As is the bad way to die du jour, he gets his jaw pulled off. Owie. It was slightly more amusing seeing a giant monkey do it to a dinosaur though. What we need is monkey vs. werewolf, yess…., but I digress.

The action sequences are much better this time around. There is still a preponderance of shooting, and gun action, which seems to be a silly way to go if you are undead, but c’est la vie. Way less goth posing with horrible accuracy and wasting tons of bullets. The finale ends with helicopter rotor. Obvious? Oh yes, but still very gratifying. The hybrid boyfriend gets to jump around and tear things in half. And have the sex. The sex in this case would seem to involve violating a stomach, go go softcore porn shenanigans.

Odds are there will be another sequel, at least that’s what the closing voiceover would lead us to believe. All in all this movie was at least as good as the first movie, perhaps even a little better. The pacing and special effects aren’t QUITE as bad, though unfortunately the main werewolf guy looks life a leftover costume from the HOWLING. I await the third movie with the hope that it is at least as good as this one.

On the Saturday, booze! Got suckered into seeing a movie I wasn’t super keen on seeing. Colin Farrell rubs me 12 different kinds of the wrong way. Still, I was sneakily given a ticket and fooled into paying for it. To erect a wall against possible suck of a grand scale, I called in my old ally Beam. Ah Beam, for such a cheap good time, you sure are a reliable ally. The liver, sedated and bewildered fought bravely, but I think I gave it something to think about for awhile.

So this movie is an orgy for the eyes, a cinematographer’s wetdream of the prairie. There is a plot, a romance, and some native troubles in early colonial America. In the same token there IS some dialogue. Both of these are bold and sketchy. They exist to bring us to new locations to film, and give a flow to the editing and scenery changes. The primary dialogue is through voiceover. Chunks of the native dialogue are left un-translated or subtitled; the actual words are useless information, no more than mere notes in the soundtrack.

The eventual capture and “civilization” of Pocahontas eventually brings a somber note to the pastoral landscapes. No longer do we see boundless hills and rivers, but instead mud and squalor in the settler’s fort. Eventually she settles agrees to marry a rather sedate Christian Bale, still sporting the beard last seen in the beginning of the Batman movie. They move into a cottage somewhere and settle into a routine of life on the farm. A child is born, and familial life blossoms. However she is still the princess of the Indian tribe, and she is invited to England for a royal audience. While there she is finally able to resolve her feelings for Farrell, and she makes a final commitment to Bale she passes away. Bale returns to America with their child and the movie ends.

It is long, and slow, and dreamy. It is truly excellent. Part of me wishes there was a stronger narrative, and a more gripping action, but that would destroy the dream.